Bach: Abbie dumped in ‘ultimate rejection’
Overlooked by the man she enjoyed a twin-share villa tryst with, the queen bee of Bachelor In Paradise is swatted after only two days on the island - her big mistake mainly being that she just wasn't "infectuous" enough for the clinger she tried to manipulate.
No, that's not a typo. "Infectuous" is now part of the Bachelor In Paradise vocabulary. It is not to be confused with "infection", though we assume that too is a word these contestants hear a lot.
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Abbie and Ciarran got hot and heavy in her twin-share villa last night and she's still buzzing about it. When she's awarded a date card, she's desperate to see whether the spark is still there outside of a group-share accommodation facility.
They go make out at a national park and the native animals are disgusted.
After sullying the protected wetland, Abbie is on a high. In her mind, the date could not have gone better. She knows in her bones that this is the kind of love Shakespeare wrote about. If Romeo And Juliet was about twenty-somethings in thong-back bikinis in search of a televised beach fling and Instagram endorsement deals, their stories would be identical.
Does Ciarran feel the same?
"Nahhhh. If there was chemistry it'd be just sexual chemistry … not much else," he shrugs.
He has moved on from the twin-share villa tryst. A new chick has been choppered onto the island and he wants to make a move.
The new girl is Jess and she's a self-described "bad bi*ch", which is actually the official job title listed on my LinkedIn profile. She then goes and plagiarises the first line of my CV.
"I'm not opposed to men being naked around me," she states.
Ciarran whisks her away to her twin-share villa, and we watch more creepy night vision footage. Honestly, this night vision footage is concerning. It reminds me of those A Current Affair stories you see about female tenants discovering that their weirdo landlords have been secretly filming them through peepholes.
Meanwhile, that clinger Jamie is promising his rose to a million girls - Abbie, Helena, Cass. But there's one girl he likes most: Brittney.
"She's infectuous," he sighs.
But when Brittney decides to cling to Jamie, he freaks out. It's a little known fact that clingers can also be repulsed by clinginess.
"I feel like I'm not vibing on that level," he tells her.
Wow. Dumped by a clinger for being a clinger. That's gotta hurt.
"What a joke. I gave it my all," Brittney sobs.
"Why would you just say straight away that you weren't interested? You didn't even get to know me before you said you weren't keen. I've never been past a first date in so long, I don't know what it feels like for someone to like me."
But the beauty of being a clinger is, the more you're clinginess is rejected, the harder you cling. She uses the cocktail party to grab hold again.
As a longtime clinger, Jamie knows all the moves. He himself has used them all before. As an expert clinger, his skills are unmatched and he effortlessly rebuffs Brittney's cling.
But in classic clinger behaviour, the moment Brittney stops clinging, he decides to cling to her and re-offers his rose.
Abbie is furious. Jamie was her back-up rose. He promised. She didn't actually want his rose, but she needs it to remain on the island.
"It would be the ultimate rejection," she squints, imagining the humiliation of being eliminated at the very first rose ceremony.
She grabs him by the wrist and throws a tantrum.
"You're not my friend anymore," she hisses. "Because you stitched me up with the roses yet again."
Jamie doesn't budge. He's clinging onto Brittney and he can't cling onto two people at once. Clinging onto someone requires undivided attention.
"It's time for a show," Abbie tells us before launching a last-ditch attempt to get Jamie's rose by manipulating his feelings.
"I just feel like shit," she pretends to well up. "Like, I'm not attractive. I feel like I'm annoying everyone."
The plan works. Jamie promises his rose again. But we know his promises mean nothing. He has broken them several times tonight. The only unbreakable thing about Jamie is his clinginess.
At the rose ceremony, he selects Brittney and Abbie is filthy. She scoffs as she walks out of the hut.
"F**k," she spits while storming down the dirt trail lined with citronella cane lanterns.
She has no idea how this mistake was made. What do those other girls have that she doesn't?
Well. They have one thing. They're infectuous.
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Originally published as Bach: Abbie dumped in 'ultimate rejection'