Bach star quits after major lie exposed
A Bachelor In Paradise cheater storms off the island after the ex he two-timed ambushes him and uncovers a major lie that leaves him more exposed than the yellow speedo he insists on running around in.
As Victoria endures another lockdown and the rest of the country waits to learn their fate, it's just really special that Bachelor In Paradise can put things into perspective for us. Sure, our problem is life and death. But at least we're not being confronted by our exes on national television and having our secrets exposed as we cry while wearing high-waisted speedos.
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So Ciarran is the British guy with the long blonde hair who's always, at the very least, semi-naked. In short, he's the kinda guy who gives Contiki Tours a bad rep. It came out last week that he cheated on his ex, Renee - who happens to have been a contestant on another series of The Bachelor. Not keeping up? Excellent - you should legitimately feel proud of that.
Anyway, producers sense some unfinished drama between the two and send the Ten News helicopter back to the mainland to charter the ex out to the island ASAP. She arrives and LITney speaks for us all.
"I don't even know Renee, like, who the f**k is she? What does she even look like?" she scrunches up her face.
Yeah, Renee! Answer the damn questions!
While Renee gets acquainted with the frozen daiquiri machine, LITney is taken on a surprise date by the clinger who, just days ago, pushed her away for being a clinger herself. She instantly takes the change of tone as a sign Jamie is now into her and she's determined to kiss him.
"I'm in this moment with you and I wanna be in this moment with you - I don't wanna be in any other moment," she tells him before leaning in and whispering in his ear.
"I think I'm giving all these vibes … He's not looking at me," she reflects. "I lean in and he doesn't get the cue … I don't know if you can be more obvious than that."
She tries again and he refuses to give her any kind of emotional response or acknowledgment.
"Oh, there's a volleyball court," he points across the beach.
"So awkward … god I'm embarrassed," LITney mutters.
"Unfortunately I'm not getting romantic signals from Brittney at all," Jamie tells us later and we'd like the record to show he is choosing to reject literally the only interest he has ever received on this franchise.
The most surprising thing about this whole altercation is LITney has a Christian Dior sun visor.
In an attempt to recreate the sophisticated dynamic of the Married At First Sight dinner parties, producers invite all the contestants to a boozy banquet where they're only allowed to discuss how Ciarran cheated on Renee.
Ciarran decides to address it all up front with a toast.
"She's a beautiful person and what I did to her was wrong," he says of Renee, who's sitting right in front of him. "I'm sorry what I did to you. It was a d**k move. I owned it. The relationship we had, it's done for me. I know it's done for you as well."
The atmosphere is tense and nobody wants to make eye contact. Except for Jamie. He thinks it's just a lovely evening.
"How funny that we're all here, hey?" he smiles and … we don't even have the energy.
Renee's fuming. She keeps teasing this big new secret that no one knows about but stops short of ever revealing what it is. Ugh, jilted exes are the biggest clickbaiters.
"I'm sorry but I'm not accepting that. He's just full of sh*t. Absolutely full of sh*t," she spits. "Nobody knows what he did. There's just so much more sh*t than what he said. He's told 50 per cent of the truth. There's still another 50 to go. If you want me to spill the beans, I will spill the beans. And you're gonna look like a piece of sh*t not me."
Producers politely inform her she's only here to expose the big new secret and, if she doesn't fulfil her contractual duties, she can swim home.
Ciarran's had enough. He's upset that Renee keeps painting him as the villain, even after he apologised and owned up to his mistakes. But most of all, he's just hurt that not one person has noticed his new statement eyewear.
"F**k this, I'm f**king over it. I'm done," he says, almost flipping over the lazy Susan as he gets up from the dining table.
This is when the evening goes into full MAFS territory. Timm starts picking fights and everyone's swearing at each other and then they all abandon the bula banquet completely.
Renee runs down to the beach as a producer chases her in the dark.
"If I wanted to out him I would've done it months ago," she breaks down while cradling her full glass of vino.
"I'm holding in all of these lies and if I say anything it's gonna make everybody else hate him. If I tell the truth it's gonna f**k him up and I can't have that happen to him. This is why I'm so distraught because I'm holding in secrets all the time."
Ciarran starts plodding down the beach to talk with her but she can't face him. She was already feeling sick from all the lies she's holding in but now those lies have mixed with the vino and seafood dinner and the frozen daiquiris she had for breakfast. It's pitch-black. She tries to run but she can't.
"I never got over the fact you did that to me … I don't wanna do this on camera … just be careful what we talk about," she warns him but he doesn't care if Australia hears.
Producers intervene and tell them to come back up to a villa. They say it's for their personal safety but really they just need some decent lighting to record the confession in.
"Stop doing this for the camera! Stop looking at the camera!" she yells at him. "I tried to protect you!"
"Protect me from what? I told everyone I cheated on you," he fires back.
"Nobody knows the truth though … they have no idea," she whispers before muffling her voice with her hand so we don't hear the rest.
He continues to play dumb and she doesn't even know why she's trying anymore. She's done protecting him and can no longer carry around all these secrets. The lies are bubbling up along with the vino and the seafood.
"None of these people know that you left Angie for me while we were in the mansion!" she blurts out. "While you were in the mansion you were calling me, making sure I was OK, asking, 'How are the dogs, I'm worried about you'."
His eyes well up as we cut to archived footage from last year where he parted ways with Angie Kent on The Bachelorette. The new confession as to what was really going on behind the scenes adds a layer of context and complexity that should be studied in film schools.
"Who do you think picked him up from the airport? He said he was over her and he wanted to come back and said he wanted to make it work. He has just played everybody," Renee informs us.
Ciarran can't handle it anymore. He taps out of the game.
"I'm leaving Paradise tonight and I want you to have a great time here. I'm going. I'm done," he trudges into his villa, angrily folding up his speedos and stacking them into a suitcase.
Renee collapses to the grass. She's emotionally exhausted but, for the first time in a year, the knot in her stomach has eased. The lies are out. Now, it's just the breakfast daiquiris and the seafood that are making her feel sick.
Originally published as Bach star quits after major lie exposed