The terrible lover every woman dreads
There's a saying in customer service that's particularly relevant to sex.
It goes a little something like this: "If a customer has a great experience, they'll probably tell one or two people about it. If they have a bad experience, they'll tell 10."
Indeed, the speed at which a tale of terrible coitus is disseminated among women puts the FBI's most cutting-edge technology to shame. We've been known to send real-time updates during the act itself.
"Mission control, do you read me? I've got an overenthusiastic boob grabber who is having difficulty locating the clitoris. Please send through coordinates urgently."
Men should be far more concerned with the stories exchanged over post-coital text message, than they are with their Uber rating.
So well-known are these tales among womankind, we've developed a shorthand for the describing the men in them. See how many you recognise.
Ah, the original sexual disappointment; the man on a mission to harness the power of his penis as a weapon of mass destruction.
Any woman who's ever had to physically tether herself to the bed to stop her head from flying through the bedhead knows this guy all too well.
The Jackhammer isn't particularly fussed with irritating nuances like your level of lubrication, comfort, or arousal. He's too focused on setting a Guinness World Record for most pumps achieved in a single session of intercourse.
Convinced the faster he thrusts, the more pleasure you receive, The Jackhammer will leave your lady parts raw (and not in a good way) and your orgasms unfulfilled.
If you've ever been mid-coitus and thought to yourself, "I think I just dislocated my hip", chances are high you've shared sheets with The Gymnast.
Not for the faint-hearted, The Gymnast essentially views sex as an opportunity to twist your body into myriad backbreaking positions, while you silently wonder if you'll ever get to relax enough to make climax feasible.
The Gymnast genuinely believes women delight in being human Pretzels, and that squatting position isn't burning the sh*t out of your quads.
It's fair to assume he owns a copy of the Kama Sutra, because he tries to recreate all 64 suggested positions every time he has sex.
Copious sweating and The Gymnast go hand-in-hand like sex with him and disappointment.
The Pornephile spends more time on RedTube than you did on Netflix during lockdown.
His Google search history reads like a teen boy who's worked out how to hack around his mum's parental controls. And that's just on his work phone.
Dramatic moaning and screaming can be heard while he's having sex. Unfortunately, it's coming from his laptop.
The Pornephile has a suspiciously large supply of Kleenex and Sorbolene cream that always look like they've been recently used, in spite of his never having a runny nose or dry hands.
On the plus side, he takes so long to ejaculate, you may actually get around to making that mental list of relatives you still need to send birthday cards to this year.
Much like Narcissus himself, The Narcissist is prone to falling in love with his own reflection during sex, which may explain why he has so many mirrors in his bedroom.
While having sex with The Narcissist, you may be compelled to wonder if he'd actually even notice if you subbed yourself out for a blow-up doll. And the answer to that is, no, no he wouldn't.
The Narcissist isn't big on things like kissing, touching, talking or anything other than putting his penis inside you. It's for your own good, you see, because you'd surely fall deeply in love with him if he acknowledged your humanity.
This is also why he needs to ghost straight after sex, and will probably call your Uber before he's finished pulling out.
"Oh, you didn't come?" and "Sorry, I don't do oral" are perhaps among his most infamous catchphrases.
At first, The Feminist looks like he's in with a fighting chance of getting you to climax.
"At last," you think to yourself, after he shows up in a hipster shirt emblazoned with the words, 'Male Feminist'.
"A man who actually wants to prioritise a woman's needs in the bedroom."
But you'll soon be eating your words when it becomes apparent this guy literally will not shut up during sex.
He's talked so much about his study of Tantra, you've considered telling him you're into the kind of BDSM that necessitates his being gagged.
The foreplay is so long you momentarily nod off, and at one point consider sending him home and reaching for your vibrator.
During the two-hour debrief afterward, where he uses you as a surrogate girlfriend to recount his childhood trauma to, and thanks you for being such a good listener as you mentally come up with excuses to get him to leave, you suddenly realise this guy isn't a feminist at all. He's actually just a jerk.
Originally published as Terrible lover every woman dreads in bed