‘They had sex’: Bach brawl breaks out
Security is forced to step in and break up a brawl that explodes after a sex secret is exposed on Bachelor In Paradise - though it's not as dramatic as it sounds because all the boys are wearing flouncy floral blouses during the bust-up.
On a dating show like Bachelor In Paradise, it makes sense that certain things will start to … spread around. Like rumours. Also other things. But tonight, it's just rumours.
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Renee is still bitter that her ex Ciarran cheated on her and then hooked up with Jess and is now flaunting his new relationship with Kiki.
"Poor Kiki didn't even know they were having sex," she says about Ciarran and Jess - who were together just days before Kiki washed up on the island. "Kiki has no idea about that. Kiki knows that he has been with Jess. But she thinks they just kissed."
Producers have let us down yet again. Of all the blurry night vision footage they make us sit through, they didn't bother to capture that?
As producers sift through the footage in search of the sex tape, some new chick enters. Apparently her name is Keely and she claims to have been in one episode of The Bachelor. She makes it clear she is here for Alex. But first, she must face Keira - Alex's self-appointed wife.
"Alex is definitely not interested in … Keisha? Kelly? Kelsey?" Keira snips. "Literally, I'm confused. I literally didn't know who she was until she walked in here. Does this Kelsey chick think she's got a chance?"
And just in case we didn't catch her passive aggressive hint the first time, she pipes up again.
"Keely's name is really weird. Like, I've never heard it before. So I feel her name is Keisha or Kelsey. Like, I don't know. It's confusing," she sighs.
Wow, Alex must feel really lucky to have a girlfriend like Keira who he didn't even get to choose.
"Yeah I need to have a chat with Keira," he tells us. "But she can be a little bit intimidating at times and I probably am a little bit shit scared that she will punch me if I break up with her."
Sounds like a thriving relationship.
At the Bula Banquet, everyone's asked to write anonymous questions again - because that always ends well.
"How do you feel about the fact Ciarran has been intimate with another girl in paradise?" Kiki is asked.
Now, just in case we missed the revelation earlier in the episode, Alisha steps in to make it crystal clear: "I'm not sure if she knows he slept with Jess … Ciarran has had his fingers in a lot of pies. And by pies, I mean …"
Thanks for the clarification, Alisha!
While Kiki stumbles through her answer, Ciarran's ex Renee starts whispering with her new boyfriend Matt. Ciarran can't stand it. What kind of a world are we living in where you can't even cheat on people and bed-hop without being turned into a villain?
He storms off. Timm follows and gets in his ear. They can't stand seeing Matt being all smug and superior with Renee.
Matt knows they're grumbling about him so he walks over and the brawl kicks off.
Timm: "Everyone in Australia will see you are a rat!"
Australia: "We're honestly barely paying attention."
They get up in each other's faces and we don't know what's scrappier: their shoving or their vocabulary.
All we know is at the end of the day, it's hard to look menacing when you and your boys are all wearing flouncy Miller's blouses.
"Answer a name! Answer a name!" Timm yells at Matt.
We honestly don't know what name he's wanting or why it's relevant.
"Exactly, you f**king idiot! Exactly! You're a f**k head!" he berates as security intervenes.
Kiki pulls Ciarran into her twin-share bure and asks him to reveal everything. At the Bula Banquet, she pretended like she knew he had slept with Jess. But in truth, she was humiliated.
"Ummm … well, I f*cked Jess," Ciarran admits.
"How dare you!" Kiki sobs. "That made me feel so stupid! You've embarrassed me!"
We agree with Kiki. It is embarrassing! But not as embarrassing as her messy twin-share bure.
Originally published as 'They had sex': Bach brawl breaks out